I really like how the piece starts, the first 23 seconds or so. I think the mixing and audio mixing is really bad here, the ratio between the volume of the other instruments and the drums is really off the walls. I'd definitely work on that, lowering all the melody instruments down in volume. I do quite like the idea behind the track, and the structure itself seems rather fine, but I have to repeat, the volume is way to high for me to say it's good. There is potential in here, and I hope you get to sit around it and work on the mixing, because the idea you had was real neat. I don't mean to down put you or anything, and I hope I didn't say anything wrong, If I did let me know.